Pinewood Studios is the home of the James Bond film franchise; they were all made there. So were the hilarious (at the time) ‘Carry On’ films.

Sir Keir Starmer booked Pinewood for last week’s ‘relaunch’, probably hoping to channel the ghost of Sean Connery. Sadly, Keir has all the charisma of a bowl of cold porridge. He may imagine himself as the sharp suited spy chief, ‘M,’ but he and the front bench team better resemble the ‘Carry On’ cast – without the gags and innuendo.

Being boring is not necessarily a problem for political leaders. John Major was as dull as ditch-water. The only interesting thing about him was his dad working in a circus, and the revelation he’d been getting it on with Edwina Curry, Oh yes!

Iain Duncan Smith was pretty dull too. Remember his ‘Quiet man turning up the volume’ relaunch? It didn’t go well, did it? And who can forget Ed Miliband’s election pledges, ‘Carved in stone’? That idiotic memorial thing was worse than his bacon sandwich photo-op and double kitchen reveal.

Ed Miliband’s tablet of stone became a millstone around his neck – rapidly sinking his ambition to be Prime Minister.

For 14 years, the Tories tried selling us nice round numbers and simple slogans. Who can forget Boris’s ‘Get Brexit Done’, or ‘Stay Home, Save Lives’? Theresa’s robotic answer to every question was ‘Strong and Stable.’ In his final days, desperate Rishi offered five clear pledges, ‘Halve Inflation, Grow the Economy, Stop the Boats, blah blah blah’. By then we’d given up listening.

Just five months into his premiership, Starmer’s in trouble. He and his advisers must be aware that we’re all bored with pointless slogans and meaningless targets. So, farewell to all of that old rubbish and welcome to ‘milestones’!

Unfortunately, Starmer’s Bond set speech included the unattainable ‘1.5 million new homes’ milestone – which even he admits is fanciful.

Putting actual numbers on the problems that got Labour elected – other than immigration – is risky. Britain’s borders remain wide open; ‘Smashing the gangs’ seems as likely as heavy snowfall on Christmas morning. Yvette Cooper has nothing else to say on that matter – but she did enthusiastically announce “£100 million more” for policing. “That’s 13,000 new officers,” she trilled excitedly, in nice round numbers of course.

Apparently, Labour’s new cops will “Stop shoplifters, street crime and anti-social behaviour.” Exactly the issues I’d bet Labour’s focus groups think are ‘the people’s priorities’.

Most of Yvette’s new blue army will be PCSOs and volunteer Specials, not police officers. In any case, the Met Commissioner and others replied saying they’re cutting officers – 2,400 in London alone. I’m not Alastair Campbell, but I can tell Labour that the public want fewer hackneyed stunts, targets, milestones, and a little more action please. Why can’t they just shut up get on with it?

Blaming the Tories and a ‘black hole’ only gets you so far – particularly when all you’ve done is cut pensioners’ winter fuel payments, clobber employers and family farmers. Some experts are predicting a recession, yet Labour still plans to spend billions on renewables and immigration hotels. Last month they borrowed £17 billion, £9 billion of that was to cover debt interest.

Keir did have another card to play on the Pinewood Bond set. He warned us that if things don’t work out, we should blame that cat-stroking villain, Sir Humphrey, and the Whitehall blob. Forty years after ‘Yes Minister’ first tickled our ribs, Sir Humphrey still rules, it seems. Obviously demanding a 5 per cent budget cut while accusing senior civil servants of living happily with mediocrity didn’t go down well. “Choose your next move wisely, Prime Minister, it may be your last.”

Unless things improve, the traditional big finish could be a sudden end to his leadership.