By Press Release
With the smell of smoke from hosting one of his infamous half-sausage BBQs still fresh in his nostrils, Bob Seely, MP, will soon be enjoying the long summer recess. As the parliamentary year ends, we thought it would be a good time to look back at our honourable member’s end-of-term report card.
The stink of corporate greed has been the overriding smell in the air this year. We awarded many beloved Island beaches Brown Flag status, as a poonami of waste has been dumped in the Solent. Sewage Seely (as we at Candy Press call him) has been reluctant to upset the water companies’ shareholders; after all, how would they get their millions, if they actually did the job we paid them for? Instead, Bob announced he is in favour of “Big Butts”, water butts that is, firmly putting the blame on the end users to sort out the mess of the Tory sewage crisis.
Remember when Mr Seely was the scourge of despotic regimes cracking down on democracy? Tweeting relentlessly about Russia, so much so some people were convinced he was representing Vladivostok rather than Ventnor, especially when he charged his Russian lessons to us taxpayers.
Well, were we in for a shock when he enthusiastically supported curtailing the right to peaceful protest here in the UK. Slow walking in the road is now a crime. Bob must be looking forward to all the arrests when the tourist coach parties arrive in Godshill. We hope Parkhurst has enough spare cells.
UK politics has been through a torrid time lately, with prime ministers disappearing quicker than shops on Newport High Street. Each Conservative crisis is marked by a flurry of social media activity from our MP. Another PM resigns in disgrace – here’s Bob photographed with a donkey. Cost of living crisis means you need to re-mortgage to buy a cucumber – here’s Bob stood next to a local cheese maker. Can’t find a dentist – here’s Bob dressed-up in hi-vis and a hard hat. Can he fix it? No.
With a general election on the horizon, Bob Seely is fortunate to have a safe seat. That safe seat is in the TV studio. From Daily Politics and Newsnight, to GB News for the hard of thinking, Bob is always there. We enjoy watching Bob on TV, from his exaggerated eyerolls and angry harrumphing to rudely talking over female guests, he is very entertaining and a great advert for the Island. Special mention must go to his guitar, always strategically placed in shot when he Zooms into an interview from his rented Brighstone cottage.
But recently even Newsnight hasn’t been a happy place for Bob. When called out for using the derogatory phrase ‘Kangaroo Court’ to defend Boris, Bob went hard and denied he had been on Newsnight. Even with his pants on fire, Skippy Seely thought he could befuddle us by wearing his glasses on the later appearance, like a pound shop Clarke Kent, only to be undone by the original footage still being available on iPlayer.
You have to admire Bob’s relentless optimism in the face of reality; nothing shows this better than the continued pursuit of his Island Deal from the government. Now we all know that an Island Deal is mythical, like the Weather Wizard, an operational Floating Bridge or Nandos opening in Ryde, but Bob clings to his unicorn deal. Even though it was (and please don’t laugh) initially promised by BORIS JOHNSON. Expect to see Island Deal 3.0 resurface somewhen.
Bob Seely MP’s Final Report: Could do better.
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