The Isle of Wight Council hosted their second Extraordinary Full Council meeting in a month on Wednesday. It turns out extraordinary chaos is their speciality. The aim was to provide an ‘indicative view’ on the controversial proposals to close five primary schools. We now know they’re indicatively not sure.

Legally, it’s the council’s cabinet that must make the decision on school closures. But this meeting gave our beloved councillors the chance to share their views. Why they couldn’t talk to each other or use the consultation process mere mortals struggle with, only they know.

First, councillors were reminded that any vote would hold no legal weight; making sure everyone knew in advance the meeting was futile.

It got worse. At the previous extraordinary meeting on devolution, cabinet members (who are councillors too) were told they shouldn’t vote. The result? Utter confusion over whether there was a majority in favour. Answer: there was – but you needed to sit through two meetings with a spreadsheet to figure it out.

Absolute clarity was needed

Determined to avoid another public comedy of errors, the monitoring officer carefully explained the rules, giving cabinet members three options: debate and vote, debate and not vote, or simply sit munching popcorn. Crucially, they could only speak or vote if they hadn’t made their minds up.

Bizarre? Yes – but them’s the rules!

After these niceties, there were 30 minutes for public questions. Cllr Jonathan Bacon in a dazzling display of logical gymnastics, clarified that he definitely hadn’t made his mind up about closing schools. Except he knew we do need to close some schools – but he also hadn’t decided whether these were the right ones. Understandably, residents weren’t thrilled with his answers.

It went from bad to worse in the two and half hours allowed for councillors’ views. Cllr Geoff Brodie wanted to vote on each school individually, while Cllr Michael Lilley fancied delaying the whole thing until May – possibly to allow time to find someone who could organise a party in a brewery.

Cllr Paul Brading came up with a wildcard amendment which council voted to debate. His idea? To “take a view on the process” and to decide whether the council “supported or opposed” all five closures at once. Two birds, one bewildering vote! Had Cllr Brading cunningly decided that clarity might let slip what councillors really thought?

Cllr Brodie armed with logic and a detailed grasp of the constitution pointed out that supporting and opposing something with just one vote was logically impossible. His objections were waved away, but councillors were soon confessing they weren’t sure what they were voting on.

Process was fine – but schools shouldn’t close!

Eventually they decided to hold two votes. First, the process itself was declared fine (16 for, 13 against). But when it came to the five closures, councillors narrowly disagreed (12 for, 11 against, 6 abstaining). What were those abstainers thinking? Should no schools close? Had they decided abstaining was safer than voting for what they believe? Your guess is as good as theirs.

With that settled – or not – Cllr Lilley’s motion to delay proceedings was scrapped, as they had already voted to say the process was fine, so the meeting was wrapped up. The evening closed with the chief executive dashing out for tissues. No, not to console families whose schools look likely to close – to mop up some water.

Still at least we all got home half an hour earlier to catch up on Coronation Street. Cassie’s been slipping something into Ken Barlow’s tea to get him all muddled. Has she found a side hustle at County Hall?

The cost of an average full council meeting is £2,779. Perhaps it’s time for our cash-strapped council to find a sponsor. Might we respectfully suggest Confused.com?