By Isle of Wight Observer
After last week’s by-elections, I started pondering how I would have responded on behalf of each party to the media, regardless of the actual outcome. Listening to the radio the morning after the night before, you’d think they had all won!
The three main leaders, Sunak, Starmer and that Lib Dem bloke no-one ever remembers, each claimed they were on course to win the general election. Rishi had rushed from Downing Street to witness the scene of a modern miracle in Uxbridge. Everyone knows the Tories have made a complete Horlicks of everything, yet those wonderful voters were prepared to vote for them again. In his place, I’d have hugged them all! As Tory spokesman, I would have said: “This frankly fantastical result proves beyond all doubt that the electorate is even more stupid than we thought they were. Thanks to Keir Starmer and his lacklustre front bench, our united party still enjoys overwhelming public support.
“We’re going to stick with our high-tax, low-spend, uncontrolled-immigration winning formula, and hopefully stay in power forever.” Naturally I’d spare Rishi’s blushes and ignore the minor detail of my candidate trashing Boris’s 20,000 majority.
Sir Keir had expected to win Uxbridge for Labour, so when he didn’t, he sped off to Selby, where ‘Keir the Younger’ had managed to win decisively. My message? “Today we made history by losing Uxbridge; it’s clear the electorate saw through our empty promises, and realise we can’t conjure up doctors, dentists or teachers from thin air. Those pesky voters plainly realised we can’t afford to spend any more on vital public services either.
“The real damage was inflicted by Mayor Kahn’s ruinous emissions policy – which he stole from Tory Mayor Johnson. Were he to abandon his stinking plan, we’d be back on course for Number 10. Once there, give it a week and we’ll roll out Ultra-Low Emission Zone schemes nationwide.”
With just 893 votes, the hugely popular (according to the scaremongering BBC) Green Party came a disappointing third. As the expanded ULEZ was the number one issue in Uxbridge, their planet-saving agenda was on everyone’s mind. However, paying a £12.50 daily pollution charge for an old banger in leafy Uxbridge seems particularly unfair when you’re right next door to Heathrow Airport, and struggling to feed the children.
As their spokesman, I’d have said: “If you expect to live beyond 2050, regardless of the personal cost, you must vote Green. Sadly, at this by-election our fanatical orange-clad supporters were all stuck on the A40 with glue and gaffer tape. But you only need look outside, to see that we’re suffering an exceptionally hot/cold/wet/windy summer. The few party members who came unglued and actually voted, switched to Labour, who almost nearly beat those road-raging, destination-focussed Tories.”
The Lib Dems managed only 526 votes in Uxbridge, so “winning there” in Somerset was all they could talk about. I’d have spun: “Regrettably the people of Uxbridge remembered Nick Clegg’s broken tuition fee promises and so voted tactically for Labour, who very nearly defeated the Conservatives. This morning it’s clear that both they and the Green Party must step aside at the general election, giving us a possible extra 20 LibDem seats.”
Actor, Laurence Fox – him off the telly – stood for the Reclaim Party. Since Boris ‘sort of’ got Brexit done, their only policy seems to be stopping Coutts from closing Nigel Farage’s posh bank account. Even so, they still beat the Lib Dems with an impressive 714 votes.
It’ll take quite a swing to remove our ineffectual MP, who enjoys a vast majority. Thankfully, these by-election results suggest that, if someone can unite the drivers of old cars, anything’s possible!