Did you see the ‘non-crime hate incident’ story – where a journalist was visited by two Essex police officers wanting ‘a word’ about social media posts? Allegedly, they didn’t tell her specifically what she’d written on Twitter a year ago, nor how it might have offended anyone, but it’s believed Pakistan was involved.

Elsewhere, cops visited a bloke because his barber gave him a bad haircut. Imagine calling the fuzz to seek justice because your buzz cut went wrong? My barber butchers mine so often, I could have 111 on speed dial!

This week we must discuss Jaguar’s rebrand. Now, that’s a real crime.

My old Nan would regularly send me aged 8 or 9 to buy her 20 Embassy from the local newsagent. I always took a hastily-scribbled note, which presumably she thought made it legal. Next door to the fag shop was a Jaguar showroom and, ciggies in hand, I would loiter outside, staring through the window.

Those beautiful late-’60s E-Types and Mark 2 Jaguars inspired a passion for the Jaguar brand. Owning and driving one of those stunning motors became a goal, no other car manufacturer inspired me the same way. They were very cool; George Best and Tony Blackburn drove them.

At 17, I started a little window cleaning round where we lived in Wraysbury. Susan George’s mum was a regular customer, as was TV impressionist, Peter Goodright. As I slaved away in the wind and cold, I’d dream of swapping my tired old hand-painted minivan, with its rickety ladder rack, for a Jaguar XJ6. I visualised a fleet of Holmes minivans and a nice used Jag as my reward. I would waft around in the Jag, supervising my private army of busy window cleaners. The dream was shattered when it rained solidly for a week, I couldn’t work and earned nothing. I gave up windows and got a proper job.

I didn’t make enough money to run a Jag for several years. Since then, I’ve owned dozens of trouble-free examples. I last bought two brand new ones in 2017 for funeral work, and they haven’t missed a beat.

Sadly, owing to poor sales volumes, the Jaguar XJ series was finally killed off in 2019 and now all the other models are no longer made either. Tata, the Indian owner of ‘JLR’, as it’s now called, are focussed on building Land Rovers. They claim Jags will return, but only as electric cars. As part of their future plans, they’ve rebranded. The leaping cat is gone, replaced with a silly font and a rainbow mishmash advert that’s turned a beloved British icon into a laughing stock. Even people with no interest at all in cars knew the old leaping Jaguar. They knew that Jaguars have great looks, leather and wood. So why not just modernise them for the next generation? One of my sons owned a gorgeous Jaguar F-Type sports car. Younger people did get it; the brand endured.

Electric vehicles sales have fallen off a cliff; most of us hate the idea because we have ‘range anxiety’ and know the infrastructure isn’t there to support them. Electric cars cost more to buy and the depreciation when you buy new is horrendous. My annual pilgrimage to the Alps would require 6-8 recharging stops, each taking over five hours, not including waiting for a working charger to be available. My current diesel car has a range of 700 miles, which means just one fill up, mid-Germany; job done.

The management at JLR has wrecked a great company, industry insiders don’t get it. Jaguar’s current ‘rainbow ad’ doesn’t feature cars at all; presumably they don’t have space for them among the colourful flags and ethnic diversity.

‘Go woke, go broke’ they say – never a truer word!