By Isle of Wight Observer
The only thing better than touching down safely from your holiday is the bliss of sinking back into your own bed. My thanks to Quiggers, for keeping you amused.
Honestly, holidays are not all they’re cracked up to be. Travel is stressful, queues and delays are commonplace, and there’s just so much stuff to remember. When friends describe extended vacation plans in faraway places, I always think “But how can you be away for that long without missing home?” For me, FOMO (fear of missing out) is quite an affliction. Whenever I’m away, I have a vague feeling that I must be missing something. It’s irrational, but I worry that those I’ve left behind may be keeping something from me.
In the ’90s, for a few days, I did miss hearing some bad news, but since the advent of mobile phones, that’s impossible. Even in the deepest jungle, you can’t dodge the most trivial incident back home. Yards from the summit of Everest, trust me, if someone runs out of ketchup, you’ll hear about it. If I could be in two places at once, I’d certainly have more relaxing holidays. We already have AI, so why not human cloning?
My two lovely daughters and granddaughter came with me this time, spending that much time with them filled my heart and head to the brim with wonderful memories. Since returning, I’ve really missed having an adorable little person in my daily life, but did I miss anything significant at home?
Annoyingly, I missed the late summer heatwave you all got for free. I also missed the duplicitous manoeuvrings of the new Tory council group leader. Like a would-be fairy godmother, to win power Councillor Ellis did what politicians often do, and promised different things to different people in exchange for their vote.
Putting aside why any sane person would want to take command at County Hall, Cllr Ellis promised the still new-ish ‘Empowering Ourselves First’ independent group three wishes. On Wednesday night, in a packed chamber, her dastardly plan almost worked. When the votes were taken, you could have heard a pin drop, particularly as Councillor Karl Love abstained, presumably having decided that was safest.
We had a dead heat, 19-19. Cllr Ellis had arrived in the council chamber power-dressed in a lurid green jacket and looking confident. A sort of local Liz Truss. She’d brought along a box of grapes and two bananas, placing them before her. She appeared to have her victory speech prepared. Moments after the dastardly takeover plan failed, I noticed the fruit untouched. With a flourish, a family-sized bag of pastilles appeared from her handbag, and she promptly scoffed them. Of course, it’s more sweeties from her government this council needs, that Island Deal, not new leadership.
I missed the ‘crumbling concrete’ schools scandal, but to help out, I’ve set up a new portacabin classroom rental business. No assets, no cash, no history, HQ in the Cayman Islands. Hopefully, those lucrative government contracts will come any day now.
I also missed that dramatic prison escape, although the really shocking thing was there wasn’t already some bloke hanging under a lorry. On that day, 40 per cent of the prison officers were off sick! This sorry state of affairs is commonplace, with ‘mental health’ the principal cause written on sicknotes. Family and friends in the public sector tell me that levels of absenteeism are shocking; none thinks a new government would change anything.
Post-Covid, one of my kids works just three days in the office, another hopes to do the same. Both swear that colleagues ‘working from home’ often pretend to be active online – while doing no work at all.
I love my country most when I’m away, but I’m afraid we really have to buck our ideas up!