By Press Release
Psychiatrists insist that an excessive intake of food or drink is simply a substitute for happiness. Since I make it a rule never to disagree with qualified professionals, I’m happy to accept that’s why I carry a spare tyre around my middle.
I’ve spent most of my life being hungry, much preferring bread, pastries, pies, cakes and ice cream to salads. My recent discovery, that this excess weight is not my fault, is wonderful news. I’m not yet at the stage where I can’t leave the house or go to work; I just buy bigger jumpers and assiduously avoid posing for pictures in profile, particularly wearing immodest swimwear.
Having discovered the cause of my insatiable appetite, my thoughts quickly turned to finding out who is responsible for my medically confirmed miserableness, and I concluded, it’s everyone and everything! The list includes all the usual irritations – January, family, friends, colleagues, BT, my bank, Putin, Island Roads, and most of the Conservative Party. Then there are those union leaders – whose mantra for employers; “let’s get around the table”, has to be one of the most annoying clichés ever uttered.
Lots of things irritate me. For example, it’s been particularly cold, but do you really need to drive at less than 20mph? Why not just stay home until spring? I’m also upset because our country is a soft touch for criminal immigrants. Why can’t the government get control? And have you noticed the smell of cannabis while you’re driving – inside your own car? The stench of weed on people in supermarket queues is equally pungent and neither used to be a thing. And, as a lifelong fan, I’m especially sad about Tottenham’s failure to win anything – ever.
The police are another obvious source of unhappiness; they’re incapable of dealing wiv da feral yoof in our villages and towns. I don’t blame patrol officers; where they exist, they go where they’re sent. Their superiors evidently have far better places to send them than to help us; why not tell us where they are? Youth offending is probably caused by a mixture of abject poverty, bad parenting, boredom, and lack of school engagement and opportunity. Discipline, and the absence of punishment, will also be a factor, and where’s the deterrent?
It’s not just the Island; last weekend near my (mainland) workplace, kids caused thousands of pounds worth of senseless damage to the village hall. It’s rarely one feral kid; it’s whole gangs of them, and still the police don’t attend when they kick off. I think a return to the good old days, the ‘fear of God’ and a clip ‘round the ear’ would suit many of us.
I just got off the telephone with the police; the officer was WFH – of course. He took a statement from me about those ‘Just stop oil’ protesters, and the impact they had on people attending funerals. Because it was a while ago, I actually felt a little mean agreeing to do it, and if necessary, appearing in court to repeat what I said. At the time, I had a little sympathy for the people obstructing motorways, but not their sanctimonious lectures.
I’m permanently cross with our ferry operators, but that doesn’t mean I’d blockade the ports. To do that would seriously inconvenience people like you and me who depend on the service. When on any journey, we can have no idea if the people around us are heading somewhere important, perhaps to a vital hospital appointment, wedding or funeral.
That said, in principle, protesting is a very good thing, particularly if it involves marching – because if you achieve nothing else, you’re bound to reduce that bulging waistline.
