By Isle of Wight Observer
When people discover you work in funerals, they respond predictably. Once you get past the ‘you must be loaded’ stuff, or the ‘dead-end career’ jokes, they become serious. If they’ve experienced loss recently, they tell you about it. Next, they’ll ask if I prefer burial or cremation. I always say, “Neither; I’m hoping not to go at all,” before adding, “I’d like to be buried – with all my money. Why leave it to someone else when you can take it with you?”
For most of my life, my family has been involved in the business of death. My stepfather was a coroner’s officer, a policeman who deals with sudden or unexpected deaths. He took calls at all hours, solemnly informing him that a body had been found. In turn, he contacted relatives to break the bad news. As a child, I overheard a lot of these life-changing conversations and, despite the shock, those on the other end usually seemed accepting of what they were told. People were reassured that a post-mortem examination and or inquest would establish the precise cause.
When someone we love dies, we need to know why, even if it takes time. Death is a part of all of our lives, and, if you haven’t yet experienced it, you certainly will. Essentially, we’re all coffin dodgers, as are those we love.
Last week a survey claimed that around half of us no longer want a funeral. On further investigation, the story was really about people rejecting religious funerals in favour of
civil ceremonies.
The majority of funeral services are now taken by celebrants. When clients ask for this, they’ll say it’s because the deceased “wasn’t religious”. Often later, we discover they’d quite like a hymn and prayers during the service! Perhaps they’re hedging their bets, or just keeping everyone attending happy. Christians believe the soul must be commended to God but, without a priest or minister, that can’t happen.
You recall during the pandemic, only six people were allowed to attend funerals and families made impossible choices about who could attend. It was heart-breaking to witness, and we began seeing excluded family and friends standing in silent tribute at the kerbside as we passed by. That’s why so many people remain angry about the Downing Street parties, or Bob Seely’s half-a-sausage barbecue. If you make draconian rules, you must stick to them yourself.
What we now call ‘direct cremation’ became popular back then. This is where the body is taken from the place of death to be cremated, without ceremony, at a time to suit the operator. Usually, those left behind never get to see the deceased again and may not know where the body is kept or cremated.
Direct cremation costs far less than a traditional funeral and may suit those who ‘don’t want a fuss’. I disapprove, not because they’re bad for business, but because I think they rob those left behind of a chance to say goodbye properly. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. The traditional funeral we all recognise can be meaningful, particularly if you help with the actual service, or carry the body. They also help us focus on our loss. When we gather to say goodbye, a funeral allows the full absence of the person to sink in.
Spiriting the body away without marking the passing is not for everyone, although if you wish, you can still have a gathering at some other time and place. One Island funeral director allows a small chapel service ‘pre-departure’.
Whatever your funeral wishes, you should talk them through with your nearest and dearest. But please remember they’ll need to grieve; it’s not all about you!