By Isle of Wight Observer
Do you find yourself walking head down, staring into the palm of your hand? While sitting at traffic lights, do you glance at your phone? How did we ever manage without them?
Remember when we all parked using small change – before those greedy councils realised they could extort far more money from meters. From then on, carrying enough shrapnel was impossible. ‘Helpfully’, they switched them over to card payments – and Apps. There’s rarely any signal at Compton Bay, but the National Trust threatens anyone who doesn’t pay up. The real choice is risking a penalty or go elsewhere. I’m not entirely sure how that “safeguards the nation’s green spaces and heritage” – as their website claims.
Doctors used to say, ‘don’t Google your symptoms;’ now they expect you to do exactly that, because seeing us in person is too much bother. My local surgery – now rebranded a ‘Health Centre’ – wants patients to download the NHS App. Presumably it will allow Max Headroom or, worse, 2001’s ‘Hal’ to have a stab at guessing what’s wrong with me.
Health Secretary, Wes Streeting, says the magical App will “help manage our healthcare more efficiently and conveniently.” It will let us book appointments without the faff of calling at 8.30am to join a telephone queue. I suppose an App will at least spare us the pain of describing embarrassing symptoms to a frosty receptionist. The PM says, “It’s a doctor in your pocket”. Frankly, I can imagine staring at my AI doctor on the iPhone as he says, “Morning, Dave, I see you’re still eating too many pies.”
Quite ridiculously, the government claims the App is particularly beneficial to those who have difficulty making phone calls or living in areas with limited phone access. Er – surely those are exactly the people for whom an App is virtually useless! Many older people don’t have a smart phone, let alone know how to download and use Apps.
Wes Streeting says if we all use them, they could reduce the staff employed in the NHS and save a fortune. “It’ll keep more of us out of hospital,” adds Sir Keir.
Labour wants us to believe it’s already fixing the NHS and claims it has increased the number of surgery appointments. Honestly, most of us haven’t seen an actual doctor for years; I’ve no idea who my GP is. My appointments are with ‘nurse practitioners.’ I recently saw a ‘skin specialist’ who referred me to a doctor at St Mary’s. Naturally, I haven’t heard a word since.
My local surgery has now employed paramedics for ‘patient assessment’. They’re clearly a lower-cost alternative to doctors, although I’d guess there are still a few GPs hiding away somewhere in there.
Last Thursday evening, I had toothache that worsened as the night wore on. At 2am I reached for the phone to check my dentist’s opening hours, as I didn’t expect an App could pull teeth. I noticed it allowed patients to make on-line appointments, but the first available was weeks away – useless for tooth pain. At 8.30am precisely I called and spoke to a human receptionist. Hearing my distress, she told me to go along and sit in the waiting room. An hour later, for a little over £200, a dentist fixed my tooth.
According to the government, ChatGPT can already analyse medical symptoms and read MRI scans. They say it’s a game changer, so we’re all being digitised. Before long, having diagnosed our pain and suffering via the App, they’ll likely send the prescription straight to Amazon. The very next day, a driver will sling your Chinese-supplied tablets over the garden fence – or leave them in the porch. Job done!
Having given that careful thought, I’ve decided I’ll go private.