HOLMSEY: Like something out of a fairytale…

By Press Release May 12, 2023

What a terrific occasion it was, although during the ceremony, as the flunkies struggled to drape that glorious gold cape around the King’s shoulders, I found myself thinking about Tommy Cooper. Do you remember he collapsed and died, live at the London Palladium? Thankfully, His Majesty did no such thing to ruin his big day, although he looked noticeably older. Poor William, he’s not ready just yet to take on the enormous burden of service to the nation.

When forced to sit anywhere for ages, I struggle to stay focussed. As Camilla was crowned, to amuse myself, I thought of Harry jumping up and yelling “not my Queen” – on Meg’s orders of course. Cheers for popping by Harry; enjoy California, won’t you?

Thanks to some early intervention by Scotland Yard’s finest, for once, the tedious protestors were denied their big moment. Many were banged-up long before they got the chance to ruin the spectacle for the rest of us. In any case, we didn’t need placards proclaiming ‘this is all a bit silly’ – we could all see that for ourselves.
Later, up on the palace balcony, dressed in all their finery, Charles and Camilla reminded me of someone. Suddenly it came to me, Baron and Baroness Bomburst from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! “You’re my little choochy face; I’m your teddy bear.” Those theatrical white robes and crowns were remarkably similar, eh? Is it possible they were the actual film costumes repurposed? After all, the King is green, and promised to make savings.

Other than poor Lionel Ritchie, (Ow!) bravo to all those talented musicians and singers; it’s always the music that gets us going, isn’t it? Our amazing military were faultless too; the riders coped marvellously – even when the horses got a little frisky. I used to ride myself, but I can’t imagine playing an instrument while steering a giant drum horse using only my feet. We were viewing well before the former Prime Ministers arrived at the Abbey; had you forgotten Liz Truss, too? I noted Cherie Blair’s deep bow as the King passed by – I had her down as a staunch republican.

As we watched the Coronation service, the biggest question was, what do they all do about the loo? For most guests attending the service must have been at least three hours, and most seemed several years my senior. By the time we got to the foggy flypast, in our house we’d all been excused several times. So how did they cope in the Abbey, and did Camilla manage a quick fag when they popped around the back of the altar?

In the unlikely event I’m ever invited to a state occasion, I’ll have to decline because my bladder simply isn’t up to it. When it finished, I went off to B & Q. On arrival, I rushed to the back of the store because that’s where their toilet is. If you do ever see me dash past you, trust me, I just need a WC, so please don’t hold me up.
At the checkout, I asked the young assistant if she’d watched the Coronation. “No,” she replied laconically, “I wasn’t interested.”

Before the big day, the King and Queen did have critics. ‘Not my Queen’ seemed popular, while others insisted that Lady Diana should have the job instead. Quite how that would be possible 26 years after her death is beyond me. Sadly, these days many marriages fail, and even in 1981 theirs seemed pretty awkward. Now, the

young are more used to relationship failure, and perhaps more fascinated by celebrity than the Royals. Maybe, given time, they’ll come to think our monarchy has had its day or run its course. They won’t know what they’ve lost until it’s gone.

Long live the King!