HOLMSEY: What will they do after the election?

“It’s not as bad as I’d expected,” said Jacob Rees-Mogg. One can only guess at just how bad he thought those by-election results would be.

In Wellingborough, the swing away from the Tories was 28.5 per cent. Repeated nationally, they would have just four seats! Put simply, the Conservatives lost catastrophically. No-one wanted to vote for them, and why would they? Arrogantly, Jacob said the thousands who switched to Reform were only protesting and would return to the Tory fold come the General Election. I wouldn’t bet on it.

Here, the polls suggest 20 per cent of us could vote Reform; frankly it should be far more. Quite why the Tories put Jacob up as their spokesman I have no idea. He can’t save them any more than Boris could.

I used to have a soft spot for old Moggy, but the pseudo-toff image and the dandruff-covered double-breasted suit joke wore off ages ago. I’m fairly certain he stole his image from Monty Python’s Ministry of Silly Walks – or maybe Lord Snooty in the Beano.

When Jacob loses in Somerset, he could get a part in ‘Spamalot,’ the Python revival show.

I’m far less certain about Bob Seely’s employment prospects. By-election results suggest the morning after the general election, he’ll be toast too. Despite his boast of sharing a tailor with multi-millionaire Rishi Sunak, I don’t think that’ll get him a Green Card so he can move to the USA as Rishi doubtless will.

Have you seen the outrageous list of self-proclaimed ‘achievements’ he keeps putting on social media? Those Russian lessons we paid for have given me an idea. His claims are so outlandish, Bob would make an excellent spin doctor. He’s so delusional; he could find employment as a Putin spokesman. With his skill set, surely, he could turn any negative into a positive, even the unexpected death of a jailed opponent!

Have you noticed how busy Bob is nowadays? There isn’t a weekend that passes without him camped out in that rented annexe in Brighstone. He needs to be on hand to pop up at every local gathering. If there’s a cause, Bob’s on it. If there’s some public spending, Bob demands the credit, regardless of how tenuous his link to the money is. I was thinking of having a few friends round for a barbecue when it warms up, but I’m not willing to risk Bob popping his head over the fence, desperately trying to impress my guests. Besides, at my barbecues, we’re usually short of sausages.

I warn you, any assembly of more than half a dozen Islanders is attracting Bob’s presence trying to convince everyone that health, schools, housing, law and order, immigration, transport are all doing fine.

He won’t admit we’re paying the highest ever taxes and nothing is his or the Tories’ fault – it’s all down to Putin, Starmer, the unions and Covid. If it wasn’t for that lot, we’d have same day appointments at the local surgery, instant access to dentists, no migrant boats and the world’s best schools. There would be a glut of affordable new homes, negligible interest rates and inflation consigned to history.

Truthfully, things are so bad, I can’t see Sir Starmer turning them around very quickly, but still the Tories must be punished on polling day. Our country has gone to the dogs and the NHS is properly on its knees. The Tories deserve a few years in opposition, because their lack of vision is obvious. They don’t have a clue how to fix our nation’s problems; in part, due to the calibre of MPs like Bob.

I was once a member and supporter, but the IW Conservative Association should hang its head in shame for ever selecting him.

When he’s booted out, they’ll have no-one to blame but themselves.