By Isle of Wight Observer
Local independently owned newspaper, the IW Observer, has found itself at the centre of what can only be described as a toe-curling legal battle with global corporate giant, Worldwide Consolidated Enterprises (WCE). The problem? We suggested Islanders care more about key local news issues—like hedgelaying competitions and the High Sheriff’s out-of-fashion tights—than browsing online ads about fungal toe cures or getting gastric bands fitted in Turkey.
Our uncontroversial story, it seems, has enraged WCE, the American-owned conglomerate behind the enthusiastic promoter of anti-fungal and slimming treatments, which cannot be named for legal reasons. They have reportedly issued a cease and desist letter claiming our assertion that Islanders prefer local community content over dubious and expensive health advice could “harm the reputation” of their anti-fungal promoting empire and demanded we retract our article immediately, recall every copy of our newspaper and cut out the article with scissors.
A spokesman for WCE said: “The IW Observer’s reporting is not merely inaccurate but could be damaging to the global anti-fungal and gastric band industries. To suggest residents prioritise news about the High Sheriff’s tights or ferry company failures over medical solutions to very serious health problems is simply irresponsible.”
This has left the editorial team at the Observer dumbfounded. Editor, April Phule, described the situation as “corporate comedy gold,” adding, “We’re not anti-healthcare, but we don’t think Islanders need pop-up ads every time they read local news advising them how to solve problems they don’t even have. They can go to national news sites for that.”
The news has sparked outrage among some Island residents. Local hedgelayer Ivor Wrax commented ,“I’ve been busy chopping hedges for over 50 years, and I love reading about it in the IW Observer.
“If I wanted to cure my athletes foot I’d go and see Tim the chemist and if I needed to lose weight I’d sign up for a One Card – I wouldn’t go all the way to Turkey. I could afford the airfare – but not the ferry.”
It’s rumoured the IW Observer is not the only news local outlet that has faced legal threats from the ginormous corporate entity.
The multi-national juggernaut also threatened to seek “injunctive relief” when we suggested that it did not invest its profits on the Island – their local representative did not appear to understand that profits are what is left after rent and staff are paid.
The IW Observer quickly consulted our own lawyers, Lost Cause Litigators, who, as they stifled giggles, pointed out that the multi-national corporation had added some completely false information to its ‘legal’ letter. Their top litigator Lou Pole said: “The first lesson I learnt when doing my law degree is that when you’re planning to throw around legal threats, you should only use long words when you’re quite sure you’ve got your facts right.
“The second lesson was that it can be quite difficult to win court cases against people telling the truth – no matter how much you dislike what they are saying.”
For now, the IW Observer stands resolute and has no intention of retracting the story – or buying lots of pairs of scissors.
We pride ourselves on exposing matters of real consequence to the Isle of Wight. Whether it’s ‘one-day diddles’ by ferry companies or holding unaccountable transport boards to task, we plan to remain doing just that.
If WCE genuinely believes their fungal toe remedies are more relevant than hedgelaying, tights and ferry company accounts, they can take us to court—and we’ll bring Ivor Wrax and Tim the chemist to the trial – we’ll even take out a mortgage to pay their ferry fares.
The latest twist in the tale is that WCE said they will complain to the IW Observer’s regulator IMPRESS – but even that appears to have got lost in the post.
Happy April Fool’s Day. But don’t worry, no massive companies with grotty toe obsessions are threatening to sue us…. Or are they?
Mal Butler