By Isle of Wight Observer
Undoubtedly choosing the right partner is the greatest challenge most of us face. That done, finding a job we enjoy is also important. The third biggest test most of us will encounter at one time or another is choosing a builder.
It’s always a monumental test of human endeavour. Before you even think about starting a project, your head is chock-full of anecdotes and apocryphal stories. You’ve heard tales of incompetence, calamity, broken promises, bankruptcy and pestilence.
From middle age onwards, you’re aware that very few people speak highly of builders. On the rare occasion anyone has even a smidgeon of praise, the name mentioned is of no use whatsoever. Great builders are booked years ahead.
“Choose a builder that’s personally recommended,” they say, “That’s safest.” It’s certainly the least worst option, but the firm who completed your best friend’s extension “on time and on budget” will be a complete let-down in the unlikely event you persuade them to even glance at yours – from their passing van. In any case, having recently got one job right, there’s no chance whatsoever of them doing quite so well with the next one. That’s about as likely as picking next week’s winning euro-millions numbers.
“Get a written contract,” you’re told, “with agreed prices, dates and deadlines, along with draconian penalties for failure!” That’s a great idea too, but should you manage to pin down a builder, who guarantees not to double the price before the first spade hits the ground, there’s no way they’ll agree to such a one-sided contractual arrangement.
Bob Seely’s recent newsletter boasted about £43 million “invested” on Island Line and Ryde Pier. I bet that was twice the sum originally agreed. It certainly took a year longer than promised and the service is worse than when they started. Rishi paid more than double the sum quoted for HS2 – before deciding to cancel it! Politicians are even worse at finding builders than we are.
If you do find someone willing to “have a go” at your project, don’t pay them anything upfront for “materials”. If you do, I guarantee you’ll never see them again. When tradesmen attend technical college, I’m certain that “disappearing” is an integral part of the syllabus. Most tradesmen are so expert at vanishing into thin air that David Copperfield could hire them as magic consultants.
On the first day of any new project, whatever you do, don’t ask your workmen to “arrive from 9am.” Builders like to start around 7am, so get up and put the kettle on. Mugs of steaming hot tea must be served at regular intervals throughout the day, with anything between two and six sugars. All trades need constant praise, even if you think the work done so far sucks. Then prepare yourself for a 2pm finish – 1pm on Fridays. Expect regular absences for breakfast, lunch and “buying materials”. Naturally, you don’t want them using your loo, so to avoid embarrassment, make sure you hire one of those plastic festival toilets. Never complain about the mess they make – that’s a given. They also destroy lawns and will treat yours as a long-term materials store.
For the avoidance of doubt, your whole garden is now a builder’s yard, so budget for new turf and replacement tarmac. Never ask for “mates rates” – you won’t get a better price, the same applies to “price matching”, which simply can’t be done. Builders hate “mission creep”. That’s asking them to do those other jobs around the house that have needed doing for years. These “little extra jobs” should be priced separately from the task in hand – always by someone else, perhaps your husband? On no account ask your builder to do “extras” until they’ve completed the first job – which they never will.